There is great power in profanity. The power to shock. The power to describe. The power to motivate. The power to entertain. Even the power of release as celebrated American author Mark Twain remarked “profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.” Damn right it does. But beyond all that, there is also the power to manipulate and control. How? Read on and have your mind seriously fucking blown.
The appropriate use of profanity in the work place is a skill that every manager worth a shit has to master. It is a subtle and delicate skill that can take long ass years to develop. But used correctly nobody will even notice that they are being manipulated like the piss poor sheep they are.
The key is to marry fowl language with overt self-correction and subtle passive-aggression. Never direct an obscenity at anyone! In addition to being rude, crass and possibly actionable by those stick-in-mud party poopers down in HR, it’s also ineffective. You’re going to direct all that wonderfully salty language at your own damn self and then correct yourself (before you wreck yourself!)
Incorrect: “Rob you’ve turned Project Unicorn into a cluster-fuck.”
Correct: “Project Unicorn has turned into a giant cluster-fuck. Dammit Rob, I really need to stop swearing so much.”
See what you did there? Did you blame the punk-ass bitch that screwed the unicorn? No, you sure as hell did not! You simply pointed out an issue with a project, used an obscenity to emphasize the problem, then immediately corrected yourself. Corrected yourself in front of a subordinate. You’ve sent several unmistakable messages: Project Unicorn is offtrack and that is not okay, and that profanity is not acceptable in the work place. Did you catch the power play there? You get to use offensive language, but nobody else does! How fucking awesome is that? Pretty fucking awesome.
Here’s another example.
Incorrect: “Steve, what the fuck are you doing with SpaceKitty? It’s way the hell past schedule. You really need to pull your head out of your ass.”
Correct: “Steve, the SpaceKitty update says this shit is way past the fucking schedule. Fuck, sorry. I need to stop swearing so damn much.”
Once again, you have made yourself the subject of correction while also demonstrating your displeasure. Steve knows your ire is directed at him, even though you didn’t explicitly say so (and you got to use several salty expletives. Fun huh? Hells yeah!)
It’s also acceptable to lump everyone together if you include yourself.
Incorrect: Fuck people, get your shit together.
Correct: People, we need to get our fucking shit together. Whoops, sorry. Didn’t mean to offend anyone with my language.
Be wary of using gender specific epithets.
Incorrect: Audrey (assuming Audrey is gender identifying as female [here at the International College of Businessry and Managering we do not judge people on who they choose to be, how they are addressed, identify themselves, name themselves or categorize themselves]) man up and stop being a whiny bitch.
Still incorrect: Markus (assuming Markus is a gender identifying male [at ICBM we also do not judge based on race, color, creed, religion, ethnicity, nationality, etc. instead believing that all employees pretty much suck equally. { That is why you are enrolled here, to learn how to deal with these loosers.}]) man up and stop being a whiny bitch.
Correct: Everyone, we all need to quit fucking whining. Sorry, my mouth got away from me again. I apologize.
See how that works? Never point the obscenity gun at anyone for it is always loaded and has a hair trigger. Instead trip the million pound shit hammer on everyone all at once.
If you feel uncomfortable using offensive language consider a “witty” office ornament like a coffee mug with an amusing saying like “No fucking work before my fucking coffee” or “Head Mother F***er In Charge” or ever “Working fucking harder”.
Consider mixing it up and provide obscenity filled compliments.
Incorrect: Great fucking job!
Correct: Great fucking job! Wow, I need to watch my mouth, but damn you did well. Whoops, sorry, my bad.
Have fun with it. Free style in the halls and have a damn good time.
DO NOT under ANY fucking circumstances use racial, gender, orientation based slurs! You don’t want to step into that shit storm.
Acceptable: shit, fuck, damn, crap, piss, hell
Unacceptable: whore, bitch
Really fucking unacceptable: nigger (or any other racial epithet but especially not this one) [side note: it’s tragic that we even need to mention this] {further note: if, as a manager you give two shits about an employee’s gender, race, color, etc. then you have some serious baggage. Grow up, asshole. Whoopsie. But seriously, grow up.}
The key here is not to denigrate, deride, belittle or otherwise insult any one person. You aren’t pushing anyone down. You are pushing everyone down. Only just a little, and only so that you may rise above.
The manager that manages to successfully incorporate offensive language into day to day office life while preventing anyone else from doing the same is riding a gravy train to the goddammed stars. You can take that to the fucking bank. Whoops, sorry, time to put a nickel in the swear jar again.