How to put yourself back in the game.
In a TMT rut? Losing the TMT battle with your peers? Here are 5 simple ways to put yourself back on top!
Simply take one of your larger conference rooms out of commission and prepare to ascend the corporate ladder. How to do this? There are several ways: Start a construction project to break up a large conference rooms into 2 or 3 smaller rooms. “Discover” a mold or electrical problem or “accidentally” close the door and break a key in the lock. The possibilities are only limited by jurisdiction of local law enforcement and the position of interior security cameras. This will cause 4-6 months of chaos using the ‘ attendee chaos multiplier – booster’. You’ll be giving meeting importance a shot in the arm by adding noise, dust, and another set of project stages which need to be discussed — in yet another meeting!
Conduct a zoom meeting over a spotty internet connection. Nothing says “successful meeting” like 50 people struggling to hear every word you mumble, or should we say “evr… ord… mu…” Use techniques like varying the gain on your microphone so attendees have to turn up the volume then blast them with some of your managerial brilliance. When people show up late, as they inevitably will, be sure to start over from the beginning to “catch them up”. And since everyone knows that online conference calls are simply not as effective as in person meetings, hold more of them. It helps if you have an affectation like misusing words, slurping coffee loudly or repeatedly pausing the check messages from an “executive”. Anything to keep the attention focused on you!
Cause a pandemic! It is not being suggested that the global COVID-19 pandemic was started in an effort to create more meetings and establishing a new high water mark for TMT. Or is it?
Begin a project that is fully buzzword compliant. Specifically a cross-functional multi-disciplinary cost reducing resource maximizing resource scheduler. For this to be effective you need the buy in from several managers. Schedule meetings with them but be sure to invite more of your direct reports than theirs. Suggest that they take the lead then be sure to talk over them at every opportunity, always apologizing that you didn’t hear them because they must have been on mute.
Tell everyone that upper management has issued a directive that all meetings begin and end on time. Consume enough meeting time that not all topics can be covered, but be sure to leave the meeting early claiming “I have to attend a meeting with <insert VP name here> and you know how she insists everyone be on time.” The meeting you are leaving will then run over time, but because you aren’t there it’s not your fault. Pro-tip; always start online meetings 2 minutes late, but scold anyone that comes in after you.
By utilizing these 5 simple and subtle methods you can force your fellow combatant managers to play on your field. And always remember the key is keeping the focus on you and your message because that’s the most important thing here.
One response to “Meeting-nomics 303: Unleveling the playing field”
[…] Lastly, there is overwhelming evidence that Mr. Musk understands the true path to business enlightenment. His wisdom can be seen in a recent tweet that parallels what ICBM has been teaching for years: meetings are the product. […]