Unless you’ve been living under a rock lately, you are aware “Cultural Sensitivity” is a hot topic in the business world. Perhaps you’ve even had to attend classes, or in the COVID world of 2020, 2021 and beyond, more likely watched a video performed by the Corporate Compliance Playhouse Players. While those training classes serve a valuable purpose, primarily for the legal department, they never explain the way cultural sensitivity can uniquely benefit an organization. The International College of Businessry and Managering was founded on the principal of revealing hidden truths and then spreading any information which optimizes organizational functioning. Today’s lesson is on why cultural awareness, appreciation, and sensitivity is your ticket up the corporate ladder.

One of the classic, and perhaps most short sighted, examples of cultural awareness is trotted out each holiday season when the news media reports that Jewish employees have graciously volunteered to staff the 24/7 phone lines on Christmas. While this is certainly a nice gesture, in many ways it’s like Former President George H.W. Bush giving up Broccoli for lent. You might be aware that Jews don’t celebrate Christmas so it’s not that big a sacrifice for them to work Christmas Day. By acting as if it is a heroic act you fail the cultural sensitivity test by implying that Christmas is more important than Hanukkah, more important even than Chanukah. But one day of holiday phone coverage doesn’t begin to explore the real value of Cultural Awareness. Take Christmas and multiply it by 52!

While Christians typically observe the Sabbath on Sunday, did you know the Jewish Sabbath is observed on Saturday? Pro tip, Muslims gather on Friday for a traditional group prayer known as Jumu’ah. With that new and exciting knowledge at your disposal, thanks to ICBM (you’re welcome), all your weekend staffing problems just disappeared! Christians and Jews on Friday, Christians and Muslims and Saturdays, Jews and Muslims on Sunday. Worried about long standing religious antipathy? Don’t, this is the 21st century and your employees CAN and WILL get along, at least if they wish to remain employed. As for the Atheists, they don’t believe in anything so schedule them whenever the hell you want.

Now that you understand how the little differences can bring us together in the spirit of productivity you are probably asking why all the cultural sensitivity training you’ve attended was so focused on “feelings”. It’s because the corporate-industrial training complex wants you to learn as little as possible so you have to keep viewing videos like The teddy bear hiding under the desk and Putting out fires with the water cooler. But now that you’ve seen the benefits that learning about others can yield, such as in the previous case (24/7 phone coverage without paying overtime), hopefully you’re ready to expand your horizons.

Those of you who have been with ICBM for some time might remember “Greasy” Pete Shepanski, his unfortunate accident and resulting legal action by his estate. Traditional cultural appreciation programs would have you look at Pete’s dark and oily skin, last name and, most of all, his love of blintzes and lead you to believe he was Jewish.

They are wrong.

Let’s get to know the real Pete.

Pete’s Sámi (incorrectly and insultingly called Finnish Laplander by the less culturally aware) parents were tragically killed in a horrifying reindeer castration accident while young Pete could only watch from his crib sleigh. Visiting an orphange his future adoptive parents couldn’t help falling in love with his shining hair and glistening cheeks. They quickly adopted him and raised him like the son they never had as only lapsed Unitarians could. While attending Montessori preschool Pete was exposed to, and developed a taste for cuisine from around the world. Pete loved potato latkes not because they’re a traditional Jewish delicacy, but because they are delicious. His oily skin, due to a rare glandular condition, was only worsened by working summers in an organic hog fat rendering plant. Rebelling from his strict spiritual upbringing Mr. Shemanski embraced the “loosey-goosey” nature of Shintoism after an enlightening trip to Japan. Suggesting he work Christmas because he’s Jewish not only ignores his heritage, but also ignores the deep emotional trauma he experienced each winter around Dasher, Dancer and crew. Unfortunately further details of “Greasy” Pete are confidential pending on-going litigation around his unfortunate passing.

Work on Christmas? It’s a wonder Pete could get out of bed at all you heartless bastard. To be a manager par-excellence you need to open your eyes and not just look at your employees, but finally see them,

“Greasy” Pete’s unusual background aside, how can understanding your employees background benefit both the employee and employer? No idea. But sharpen that pencil, start taking notes and you’ll learn how it can benift you. Along the same lines that the Jewish and Islamic faithful don’t eat pork, you might not realize that many Hindi and Buddhists are vegetarians. How does that benefit you as a manager? The traditional answer is you can easily earn their gratitude by providing appropriate menu options at the next company picnic. More experienced managers see a more lasting benefit: salad is dirt cheap which means a huge savings on the next catering bill! Let them eat tofu while you cash that sweet sweet bonus check.

Need more convincing? Let’s play the ICBM Cultural Sensitivity lightening round:

• LGBTQIAS? Hidden in that alphabet salad is the secret that regardless of gender identity or sexual preference, any employee dressed up for Fun Tie Fridays is a happy productive employee.
• Do you know the most important quality in a productive employee? Here’s a hint, dead employees don’t show up for work. Just one more reason Black Lives Matter, duh.
• Got any overseas workers on an H1-B visa? Feel free to beat them like a rented mule. What are they going to do quit? Ha.

That, in a nut shell is the real importance of cultural sensitivity: once you learn who your employees really are and understand their core values you can appreciate them as individuals. Only when you can appreciate them as individuals can you see their true worth and value. Now that you see it, go exploit them to their fullest potential.