Actor Rex Harrison crooned in the 1964 movie My Fair Lady “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” Today we would like to discuss the various reasons why they aren’t, and more importantly, why as a manager you wouldn’t want them to be.

Before delving deeper into the topic of gender differences as they impact the workplace, we need to define a few terms. Specifically what it means to you as a manager and your employees to be male or female. While a businessing oriented blog might not seem an obvious or even appropriate place for genetic and anatomic lessons, the knowledge required to be an effective manager is as wide as the ocean and deep as the sea. And that ocean includes understanding human genetics and anatomy.

From a chromosomal view females have typically been defined as having two X chromosomes, whereas animals with an X and a Y have been considered male. Science has since determined that there are many other possible variations such as XXXX, XYY, XYX, and numerous others. There is heated debate in the religious, political, medical and especially undergarment design manufacture and marketing industries regarding how the presence or absence of a chromosome defines a persons gender. Importantly, from a managering standpoint, it does not. Like a XXXX whipping off a too tight thong and stepping into oversized boxer shorts that’s wonderfully liberating, isn’t it?

There are also key hormonal differences between men and women. Ignoring the use of performance enhancing drugs in the athletic community, at a statistical level the “male” portion of the population generally has a higher level of the hormone testosterone which is frequently associated with aggressive tendencies and taking the last cup of coffee without making a new pot. Women usually have higher levels of estrogen leading greater concentrations of oxytocin, the “cuddle chemical”, which has been linked to more nurturing, less confrontational social interactions and an inability to take out the trash. While these hormonal differences certainly impact the workplace, because who couldn’t use a few more hugs, they are still not the key difference.

Averaging societal stereotypes across the globe girls are usually given dolls to play with while boys get trucks and trains. Girls are raised learning to cook, while boys are taught to fix things and fight until a bone pops through the skin. Girls wear pink and boys wear blue. Girls grow up to be nurses, boys become mechanics. Girls wear dresses, boys wear pants. ICBM will plant the flag of equality in the ground and unequivocally state that this is grade A unmitigated historically sexist bullshit. As a manager you want the best of the best working for you. Does it matter if that person down the hall wears a skirt? Even if Jason doesn’t have the gams to pull it off, no it does not. Sure, maybe he should switch to culottes, but that’s really just a fashion choice.

Surprisingly chromosomal, hormonal, societal and clothing don’t represent the key gender differentiator for a manager. So what does? It’s really very simple.

If we have to put our finger on the single most important difference between men and women it would be the prostate.

WHAAAAAAATT? Yep, ignore everything else and focus on the walnut sized gland at the base of the bladder. That’s our hero.

From this point forward, for the purpose of the business end of businessry, and most importantly planning, scheduling, conducting and ending meetings, “men” are defined as having a prostate and women do not.

A quick note to the transgender community. Hey, we see you over there in the corner. Come out here with the rest of us. There’s nothing to be afraid of. We care, appreciate, respect and value you for exactly who you are. And because we care, appreciate, respect and value you for exactly who you are we will dispense with traditional gender classifications, because for all things meeting related THEY DO NOT MATTER! Henceforth all employees, at least in the realm of meetings, will be identified based on those who have a Prostate (P) or those with No Prostate (NP). No more male/female, women/men, he/she/xe. From here on out when talking about meetings, it’s only P/NP.

Those of you with a mathematical background will understand the importance of P ≠ NP. We leave the rest as an exercise for the reader.

Why is the presence or absence of a prostate the key differentiator of meeting attendee gender? It goes back to P ≠ NP and the traveling salesperson problem. Simply stated, a traveling salesperson with a prostate (P) can drive greater distances before having to pee (p) than a traveler without (NP).

The same mathematical proof applies to meetings.

Attendees with a prostate (P) are able to sit through longer meetings without needing a “bio-break” to visit the bathroom. However, this is only true up to a point. That point is approximately 50 years of age for P employees. As evolutionary biologists are fond of saying “Mother nature never gives without taking.” The cruel irony is that during youth the prostate allows for greater urine retention (the giveth). But as the prostate ages it becomes less flexible and prevents the bladder from emptying completely resulting in more frequent visits to the euphemism (the taketh).

Alert readers may notice that as age increases eventually P = NP.

While this may seem complicated it is possible for a manager to effectively utilize this information without resorting to multivariate calculus. In general terms, the greater the NP and older P population in a meeting, the shorter the meeting needs to be for attendees to remain comfortable. As shown above the P=NP crossover point is exactly 50 years and 22 days for everyone. With respect to the prostate, the human body can be as precise as it is leaky.

This knowledge can be leveraged in several ways. For instance, to avoid debate on a potentially contentious topic bring it up at the end of a meeting as attendees are reaching their bladder tolerance. The NP and older P attendees will be more likely to agree to avoid any unfortunate “accidents”. When you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go.

With all of this new information at your disposal you are correct in asking one final question: as meeting host “How can I be sure that I outlast all the attendees”? The answer: depends.