Hey Humpty, if you want to make an omelet you have to crack some eggs.

I know many of you are down. Maybe even out. And, times are tough. I am not here to deny that the path here has been hard – instead I’m going to lay a yellow brick road right at your feet and lead you to the promised land.

Click your heels, grab your little dog Toto, oil up your tin man’s squeaky joints and fluff your scare crow. Step by step. One foot in front of the other, we’re off to see the wizard. Leave that cowardly lion behind, but where we are going, little people are always welcome!

Inflation. Recession. War. Biden’s here. Trump’s coming back. Like the small print says, we all know anal-leakage will probably be next. Don’t worry, here at ICBM, we stockpiled Depends.

America – It’s time for a pep talk. Let us here at ICBM be the soothing hemorrhoid courtesy-wipe to the problems plaguing your dark metaphoric nether regions.

Trust. Faith. Effort. Perseverance. That is really all you need. But like a great recipe, or more often a failed one, the result depends on how these ingredients come together.

America, stop looking outward for answers, your future can only be spotted by looking inward. Your potential is already well-defined within you. It is all around you. It IS you. It emanates from your sweat, oozes from your pores, and leaks from your half-healed and poorly sutured sports hernia operation making your tee shirts soggy when you bend over to pick up the paper. As long as absorbent wicking sportswear is part of your wardrobe, you’ll be wearing your potential front-and-center for the world to see.

It is time to collectively stop the whining. Stop, look, ask, and demand nothing more from the outside world and demand more from inside yourself. Simply accept what IS and allow it to become a springboard propelling you forth into your own destiny.

As the yogis will tell you – ‘step on your yoga mat and saddle up the cat-cow until it stretches you into the person you need to become.’

Humpty-Dumpty, the bad news is you’ve had that great fall and there’s no time to wait for others to prop you back up on that ledge. If you expect others to glue your holes back to whole, also expect to be horrified as you watch your very essence squirt out onto the sidewalk only to be carried off into the dark crevasses of the universe by Satan’s unyielding soldier ants.

No. No! NO! You must not lean on others for this essential task. You must glue YOURSELF back together. Epoxy. Apply. Repair. Repeat.

You aren’t in a beauty contest and nobody is putting a tiara on that giant egg head of yours. Your first goal is a participation trophy. Sign in. Step up. Step in. Grab your ribbon and wear it with pride.

Next step – start pulling up your Big-Boy pants and yank hard until you feel the rub of the britch-stitch – then you know you are ready to do the serious work that needs to get done.

You need to stop caring what other people think and start ratcheting up the unapologetic almost militant self-care:

In making this recipe in the kitchen of America, every pot has a lid and every problem has a unique solution.

The first step in getting out of your own way is to figure out what is lacking in your life. What do you need more of ?

Want more recognition? – literally give yourself a nice, hefty pat on the backside. So what if it looks inappropriate. Give yourself a reach-around. It needs to be done.

Want more respect? – confront your critics in the parking lot well away from corporate security cameras. These 12 syllables will change your life: “Accidental pepper spray discharge to the face.”

Want more affection? – be more affectionate towards others and they’ll be more affectionate to you. I don’t know – rent it by the hour if you have to.

Want more money? – demand to be paid what you are worth. Can’t get a raise? Slow down your productivity to match your salary until you are worth exactly what you’re being paid. Consider selling plasma or other secretions.

Want more freedom? – utilize saliva pills and earplugs until you’ve become the office’s loud spit-talker. You’ll suddenly find loads of ‘me-time’.

Want more responsibility? – like taking a knife from a baby, rip it out of the unappreciative hands of others who don’t deserve to have it. Pro-tip: grab the handle.

Want more happiness? – smartly pinch your cheeks near dimple-town with both hands until you force a convincing smile – as the Buddha teaches us “wherever a smile exists, happiness will soon follow.”

Want more positivity? – staple the back of your hand whenever a storm of bad thoughts rolls into your headspace…then sit back and wait for the eventual rainbows to decorate your mind’s canvas.

Adding components to your life can sometimes be like fighting obesity with a trip to Dairy Queen. You might be adding piles of straws to a sway-back camel – breakage is looming so use sparingly.

Some experts will say goal-setting is the best complement to the strategy outlined above and I wholeheartedly agree.

However, aim for real, life-changing goals which really move the needle in your life. You need to achieve goals that rev your engine right up through redline and beyond.

If your goal includes eclipsing mile markers such as a promotion, a raise, or finally asking out that librarian-type in accounting for an evening of chocolate bliss at the Cheesecake Factory, you are completely missing the point.

In hitting the bullseye with this arrow, you need to aim for something more significant. You know you are doing this right if you have a real concern that you might blow out one of your heart valves or wind up in prison for extortion, or wake up with a Dutch-speaking circus performer sewn into your liver. Or even all three! Now, that is REAL GOAL SETTING!

Are you still stuck on this one? Think of the seven deadly sins as your inspiration for this task. Use lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, and envy as your co-pilots on this roadtrip to find the new you. But, don’t leave out what may be the best of all, revenge!

One of my goal-achieving students said and then did it best: remember that girl in high-school who broke your heart? Show up at the 15 year reunion with her pregnant mother.

Who’s your Daddy now?

OK America! Pep talk is over. Now, get out there and live Gaddamit!