Employee Retention

Thanks to the Triangle Shirtwaist fire employee retention has moved beyond just chaining the emergency exists closed. Plus, chains and padlocks cost money. Why waste precious capital when there are so many free strategies available. Read on to discover how you can get your employees to chain themselves to their desks for almost nothing but a promise and a smile!

The first strategy is borrowed from the exciting world of drug addiction. What do opioids, cocaine, crack, weed, ‘ludes, and meth all have in common? Is it the extraordinary profit margin, the cool sales people or the wonderful friends you make when using? Sure, but that’s not what makes them a model for how to retain your employees. The one thing they share is “the jones.” They are so awesome that as soon as you get your “hit”, you want more, and if you can’t get it you start jonesing.

As every street dealer knows, the first step of acquiring a customer for life is getting them to sample your wares. It’s the “first one’s free” promotion. By hiring and actually paying an employee you’ve already started the process. They’ve gotten that first dose with a paycheck. But a steady paycheck isn’t enough to bar the doors and keep them from climbing out the emergency exits. You need to level up as a boss. It’s been said you can never touch someone so lightly that you don’t leave a mark, or at the very least, forensic evidence. So instead of zip-tying someone to their chair reach for the mental handcuffs. Fortunately many are easily and cheaply available, and unlike real chains your employees will fasten these themselves as soon as they smell that dank skunky green: money!

Bonuses – Create a bonus plan that is so poorly defined that no matter how successful the company might be the actual bonus amount can never be accurately calculated by an employee. Be sure to pay out bonuses regularly enough that everyone begins to count on them as part of their regular compensation. Like a meth head scratching facial scabs you’ll watch your people get all twitchy when bonus time rolls around. Pro-tip: tie bonuses to a vague and constantly shifting schedule that doesn’t line up with any calendar. That way you can “cheat” the system and blame the employee’s poor understanding for why they didn’t get what they expected.

Paid vacation – Unfortunately buzz killing accounting regulations require any vacation accrued by an employee to be recorded as debt. Fortunately it’s possible to kill two birds with one stone: offer “unlimited” vacation. By making vacation “unlimited” it doesn’t accrue, and therefor won’t be carried on the books, and your staff will think they have all the junk they can ever use. Lest you fear your little minions will disappear forever on the company dime remember that just because they are offered unlimited paid time off doesn’t mean you have to approve it. And you certainly won’t! Pro-tip: Help your cause by periodically making statements like “Golly, an old friend just started a new job and his/her vacation reset to just 2 weeks. Wouldn’t you just hate to start over like that?”

Stock – To truly leverage all that has been learned on street corners, alleys and behind rusting dumpsters across the globe you need to offer your employees equity. It might seem like you are just giving away chunks of your company, but in reality you are driving a stake into the wandering heart of everyone you employ. This is a somewhat more complex strategy than vacation or bonuses and involves several components:

• You must offer just enough at just the right intervals to keep your employees hooked. A yearly stock offering allows 12 months for an employee time to “sober up” so more frequent grants are required. Most companies find three to six month intervals work best.
• Always show how much stock an employee might get if they stick around for many years. This is the known as the “kilo” ploy where a dealer might show a Cadillac trunk full of coke to spark a junkie’s interest. Remember, if it’s good enough for a crack head, it’s certainly good enough for the dopers you employ.
• Never let your employees hit rock bottom. The last thing a street pusher or licensed M.D. pill farmer needs is for their users to realize they can’t get any lower and seek help. The last thing you need is for an employee to realize they don’t need the money. Would a dealer drive his best customer to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting? Of course not, and you shouldn’t either. Guide your employees away from the Betty Ford Clinic and into the local Ford dealer. Make suggestions like “With all that stock we just gave you (remember it’s a gift, they did not earn it), you could by a car/motorcycle/calliope.”
• Spot bonuses can be paid out for a little extra hit. A few dollars here and there can keep’em hooked and is money well spent! It’s like the warm glow of slapping on a fentanyl patch before shooting heroin between the toes.
• Best of all, unlike opioids your employees can’t overdose on cash! You don’t need to keep any Narcan handy, there’s 100% less vomit and it’s all perfectly legal!

There you have it, the state of the art in employee retention straight from the exciting, sophisticated and wildly lucrative world of illicit drug use: bonuses, unlimited vacation, and stock. Offer these gateway drugs and your junkies employees will line up to shoot metaphorical dollars straight into their financial veins. At least until you can recruit their cheap offshore replacements.