People frequently speak about “the elephant in the room”. A metaphor for issues that everyone knows exist, but refuse to acknowledge. Collective denial allows people to work around the elephant; ignoring the ear shattering trumpet calls, happily stepping in enormous piles of elephant dung, and eagerly inhaling the tangy aroma of vast pools of urine. But the elephant in the room is not a problem, it’s a solution! A solution to what, you may ask. All those pesky little problems that people don’t know about yet and you can’t waste your precious managerial time solving. The problems that are subtle, insidious and impossible, or at least unpleasant to solve. You are faced with a Bigfoot lurking in the woods instead of an elephant that all your employees are eager to ignore. But with only a little managerial prestidigitation you can magically transform Sasquatch into Dumbo! Step into the big time by stepping into the big top.
Obviously seat of the pants managing can prevent most and solve nearly all crisis, but this is one of the rare instances when a well thought out plan is required. Only a few simple steps will have Bigfoot calmly roaming the halls of your office after disappearing into plain view.
Phase One: Conspiracies – You must embrace any rumors of Sasquatch and build them into something greater. The more you try to crush a rumor, the more established it becomes. This is known as the Streisand Effect where the more you try to ignore a Barbara Streisand song, the more it becomes an ear worm slowly destroying your soul. Instead build upon the rumors and expand their scope. If your employees are worried about layoffs bring up that the executive team discusses down sizing at regular intervals. (Also name dropping like a boss!) It’s a matter of course, and nothing to worry about. It happens every quarter. Emphasize that YOU aren’t worried; do not mention it’s because managers rarely get let go.
Phase Two: Hints – Pee in the potted plants. Not literally of course. (Unfortunately that needs to be stated explicitly. Again.) Leave tufts of metaphorical fur by the coffee pot. Drop a “deuce” and establish a “Tiger Team” to “ferret” out the “beast”. This is the stage where you might casually intrude on a hallway conversation and ask “are people still talking about layoffs? I’m not sure why, I thought we had addressed that. Let me schedule a meeting.” (TMT bonus time!)
Phase Three: Obviousness – Become the Bigfoot! Just like the Bigfoot you are trying to conjure, you must wander the halls of your office appearing and disappearing like magic. Be sure to pop by everyone’s cube at least once a week. Work in a factory? Visit every work station. Manage a tire store? Roll out from beneath a car. Be spontaneous. Employees love it when their manager suddenly pops in. Four o’clock on Friday is a convenient time for everyone. Let your managerial animal musk permeate the place so that everyone can tell you are there. If you have a disgruntled employee that is just hanging on waiting for a severance package tell them “A layoff package? Not likely. Trust me if there was a layoff list I would put your name right below mine, but I’m sure not counting on it.”
Phase Four: Apathy – You must dominate the office like a herd of pachyderms escaping from fire at the Ringling Brothers Circus. You must be so ubiquitous that people cannot imagine the office without your presence. But by this point everyone will be so tired of you walking the halls, intruding on conversations, popping into meetings uninvited they will be willing to do almost anything make it stop, including ignore you speaking of layoffs. very existence. Fun fact, elephants have big feet, and you can too.
Phase Five: Denial – Abracadabra the magic happens. Using only a little managerial hocus-pocus your Bigfoot has been transformed into the elephant in the room that everyone is keen to ignore. All your employees are keen to get on with their lives and the only path they perceive is keeping their collective heads down and ignoring this new elephant in the room. An elephant born of your manager loins. And when there is a layoff everyone will behave like it was expected, necessary and understood. Everyone will walk right up to the elephant, trodding through the steaming piles of manure and cloud of flies, then keep on walking as if nothing had happened.
These five steps can be easily remembered using the mnemonic device Cheering Haitians Order Alcoholic Drinks, or CHOAD.
Don’t just remember the CHOAD, embrace the CHOAD, become the CHOAD. Shout it out like a rutting bull elephant “I am the CHOAD!”