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International College of Businessery and Managering
OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE
COURTESY: REUTERS TRANSCRIPTION SERVICE
For immediate release: Wednesday 18:00 EST
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Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am Dr. Fred P. Frederickson, Chief Content Officer and Co-founder here at the International College of Businessery and Managering on 1105 West 83rd Avenue.
I sincerely wish we were all here under different circumstances. Unfortunately that is not the case today. I will issue a brief high-level statement and then I will turn over this press conference to the very capable Edward “EdGee” Greenberg, our Chief Public Relations Officer.
I’m sure everyone has already seen and read the headlines and know we had a trespassing incident here at ICBM which has been tied to the unfortunate and salacious events which subsequently occurred at the Bronx Zoo. We are now confident these events were committed by the same individual. Today we will be staying away from the headline-grabbing parts of this story, with which you are no doubt obviously already familiar, and will be instead focusing on details we can now offer about what unfolded here at the ICBM campus last week. With the increased interest from the police, district attorney’s office and FBI, we believe this is an opportune time to share information publicly. From eyewitness accounts and security footage we have taken what we know and what we have directly witnessed and will share with you what we understand and have come to believe.
First and foremost, this bizarre series of events was caused by a single disturbed individual acting alone, and involves violence, a potential sexual-type emotional assault, and a racially charged crime scene.
Rest assured: at the ICBM, we acknowledge, support, and celebrate individuals from all races, creeds, colors, nationalities, ancestries, sexual orientations, and walks of life. We believe life is to be celebrated in all its forms. Any violation of these beliefs and celebrations is not only a violation of established corporate policy but considered deplorable by everyone here at ICBM.
At ICBM, we also do not condone violence even, and especially, when a victim might be only perceived and can not be identified. Tolerance towards violence is not tolerated here at ICBM. On another note, we are extremely proud of the actions and behaviors of all the ICBM employees and contractors related to this incident.
With that, I give you Edward Greenberg, Chief Public Relations Officer.
[REUTERS Edit: Mr. Greenberg is speaking now at the podium]
Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I am Edward Greenberg. Thank you Doctor Frederickson for the kind introduction. I have been in charge of Public Relations at IBCM for seven years, worked here for twelve and have felt a part of the ICBM “family” for much longer. I am prepared to share with you what we have learned about last week’s incident. As already stated, these acts are in no way condoned or endorsed by ICBM nor did anyone at ICBM commit, participate in or help facilitate any of these actions, violations, or crimes. We have no known connection to the individual who was the alleged perpetrator and we are deeply sorry these events occurred. As already stated, I will be avoiding the headline-related events which I’m sure we all have read repeatedly. Before we begin let me emphatically state that we hold employee, student and visitor security among our highest priorities here at ICBM. Certainly top five. With the incident now behind us our focus has turned to helping the victims recover and exploring ways to help prevent similar events from ever occurring again, whether here at ICBM or elsewhere.
From our investigation, I will list for you the series of events which have occurred on our West 83rd avenue campus. As you know from entering the building, we share the property with several other tenants. Eleven other tenants in total, I believe. The following descriptions detail the events which unfolded this Tuesday last:
At 9:05 AM: an unidentified male was seen lurking inside the building. We are uncertain precisely when or where he entered. We believe he may have been in the building earlier that morning and may have nested in a facilities closet. A later review from our security footage has confirmed the unsub was pilfering the 5th floor snack room’s morning breakfast bar.
At 9:10 AM: A janitorial staff member identified the unsub as a homeless individual and later confirmed his identity and street name as Captain Corn Pop. Captain Corn Pop is somewhat familiar to area businesses as a part of the local homeless population who occasionally engage the public in an attempt to panhandle. Approximately a year ago his dossier was included in a routine information circular shared with, and amongst, neighborhood security teams. He is described as a 45-55 year old male, possibly younger although potentially much older. With a bit of a hunched profile and often seen wearing layered, baggy clothing, we estimate him to stand five-foot-something and his weight to be one hundred and something pounds. He is also unshaven and possesses a somewhat disheveled look about himself.
His age and general description are offered as a part of a dossier to help inform the public and help ascertain his current whereabouts. To those who believe we are suggesting: ALL people over 50 are lazy, useless, and can’t seem to find a shower; I urge you to reconsider our message. From our work with this nearly-functional group, we find that people over 50 respond very well to the required constant hygiene-oriented reminders we have stuck on all Geritol bottles and incontinence pads available in every restroom, break room and classroom across all ICBM campuses. Labeling them lazy, useless, dirty and unemployable is simply not true in some specific outlying cases.
At 9:15 AM: Captain Corn Pop exits the breakfast bar and discretely enters the locked pantry by jimmying the lock. He managed to avoid alerting students attending a class in the attached room, noted on the provided floor plan as Classroom 5c. While in the closed pantry, the unsub, believed to possibly be mentally challenged and probably intoxicated, apparently stripped off most his clothes and slathered his torso, abdomen, head, neck, chest, arms, legs and groinular region with a sticky substance believed to be either maple syrup or honey. Possibly both. FBI lab results are pending. We surmise he must have taken this opportunity to roll in and completely cover his now naked self with the emptied contents from several boxes of breakfast cereal taken from pantry shelves.
Let me take a moment and address some tangential concerns before they get further misrepresented. Here at ICBM, we are proud to serve the mentally challenged community and have been providing educational services to middle management for decades as an example of our deep partnership with this part of the community. We offer the characterization of mentally challenged as an observation and not a judgement.
For 15 minutes, the unsub’s whereabouts are unaccounted for as his actions were obscured from cameras and eyewitnesses. We believe he may have increased his intoxication level within the pantry at this time. Empty bottles of liquor such as Night Train, Thunderbird and also Robitussin were recovered from the pantry. We also discovered several empty insulin syringes and believed the unsub to be potentially afflicted with diabetes.
Again, allow me to dispel any prejudicial rumors before they even begin. Of course, this is not to say all persons with diabetes wallow in mid-morning sugar-benders and destroy company property in doing so. Quite the contrary, we understand most diabetics are able to control this disease appropriately and can live, at times, very productive lives, at least after the thick morning mental fog dissipates and the afternoon post-lunch drool-laden near-coma sinks in. The idea that diabetics have used a marginal and possibly-hypothetical medical condition to further their ability to stare off into deep space while collecting an attractive paycheck – is an idea you will be well-advised to keep out of your mind.
At 9:30 AM, Captain Corn Pop swiftly enters classroom 5C which contained 12 students actively participating in a popular ICBM advanced-level businessing mastery course. Jumping ahead for a brief moment, we are fortunate no one in the classroom was injured physically. At this point, the nearly naked unsub startled and surprised the students by jumping on a desk and proclaiming “You have nothing to fear, Captain Corn Pop is here.”
The unsub then grabbed a clump of syrup-attached breakfast cereal from his abdominal region and began to perform an open-mouth ritual, masticating but not swallowing the cereal, letting clumps of sweet sticky chewings fall from his open mouth. According to the students, he performed this ritual for several minutes. From eyewitnesses in the classroom, the unsub possessed a pungent odor consistent with homelessness and caused several students to yield a noticeable clicking crescendo of throat gags amongst the more weak-stomached students. We believe a small pool of orange vomit found in the room belonged to a student and not the unsub. FBI lab results are pending.
At 9:35, one of the students verbally engaged the unsub obviously upsetting “Captain Corn Pop”. This student, whose identity will remain anonymous yelled at the unsub “you dumb ass, those aren’t corn pops. Those are sugar smacks.”
At this point, the unsub became visibly agitated and shouted back at the confronting student. Being apparently inebriated and having a mouth full of food, his response was not discernible. While his actual words were not intelligible, the unsub’s eyes welled up with tears, clearly conveying a facial expression filled with a great sadness. The unsub then began to sob uncontrollably in what students described as “a high-pitched, squeaky dry-heave set to the soundtrack of a private and very upsetting movie.” Starting with tears, this act moved into full body twitching, and at some point the unsub collapsed in a sleep-apnea style long pause-of-breath. Finally, he came-to and rose up recommencing his emotional outburst with a thousand yard stare focused on the impressive floor-to-ceiling window panels against the east wall. Gathering, what students described as a “full head of steam” he ran towards the windows leaping into the air in an attempt to end his life by jumping through the windows. His attempt, as you all now know, was unsuccessful. Several students are currently receiving counseling as the moment of impact against the window yielded a low-pitch glass reverberation tone which, according to therapist reports, is still haunting their dreams.
Pausing for a second on the need for counseling – I understand there exists a stigma for the types of individuals who desire to talk through their problems with trained therapeutic professionals. Rest assured, there is no stigma here. And if you think there is, I am somewhat ashamed, and you should be as well. Are these types of weak-minded bed-wetters different than normal people? Yes, of course they are. But are they freaks of nature who deserve to be considered less than us? I don’t know – that’s what the therapists are here to figure out. It is time to cease all judgement, and let the professionals do their jobs.
Returing to the unsub’s attempt at self-defenstration. Three years prior, the ICBM installed suicide-proof windows in order to protect our students against the internal pressures that would often build during our Leader-Maker course series. The unsub’s attempted jump-through merely left an elf-sized sticky smear outline on the window. The impact also jarred loose one of Captain Corn Pop’s back teeth which was later recovered from the carpet. Lodged in the dentition, we have confirmed, was indeed a corn pop. Not a sugar smack as previously alleged.
As mentioned earlier, violent acts will not be tolerated here at ICBM. This is also true of acts against oneself. This behavior is a clear violation of our corporate policy. To help students cope with this incident, emotional counselors have been onsite following the event to help support a full emotional recovery for everyone involved.
Previously, I addressed the need for counseling and will do so again. Just because a person is physically, emotionally, and mentally weaker than others, causing them to cower in the face of even the most benign pencil-snap doesn’t make them less of a person. It just means they are overcome in that moment with over-saturated weakness. It is no laughing matter, and in fact a difficult disease to overcome. When pressed, even the counselors will admit they don’t really like helping these people – so please give them all a break.
Upon regaining consciousness, the unsub was noticeably shaking and was sweating profusely possessing a labored breath. The unsub climbed atop a desk and disappeared through a vent into the ductwork above the ceiling. One of the students who admitted to having some experience in the pastoral arts likened Captain Corn Pop’s ascent to the unsettling reverse breech birth of a human-like livestock.
At this point it is alleged Captain Corn Pop was peering down through the ceiling’s security mirrors at several locations on the fifth floor. Reports of chant-like homophobic slurs coming from beyond the ceiling tiles are, at this point, completely uncorroborated and only speculation. Potential witnesses are still in such shock at the collection of descriptive language used that they are psychologically unable to participate in a debrief. That concludes what we *will say* about these homophobic slurs. What I can and will reiterate about this incident is again, the complete disregard for sensitivities for groups such as the entire homosexual community.
It sickens me again to remind you all how this particular action violates our corporate policy and shakes the foundation of inclusion to its core. Considering the lack of fashion at last year’s Year-end Tinsel-and-Trees Winter Festival Extravaganza, I thought our closets were completely bare of this normally talented and wonderful slice of humanity. Let this be a lesson to us all – this group is already pegging the sensitivity meter and considering the beige dress code required of our students and associate faculty, haven’t we pushed them far enough already? I am told, being fabulous certainly has it price and this bill is past due.
At 9:50, the unsub popped down through a ceiling tile and landed in the fitness center near the cardio section. Thankfully no students or employees were injured. However, the unsub’s sudden emergence startled two individuals present in the fitness center at that time.
The unsub gathered himself and proceeded to call out Hispanic epithets and racial slurs towards the two moderately dark skinned male individuals utilizing the fitness center. Due to corporate policy, we will not be repeating those comments made by Captain Corn Pop.
Upon hearing the racial slurs, one of the two gentlemen responded back in a confused voice “What? We aren’t Hispanic.” Said the other “And the correct term is Latin X.” Upon hearing this, the unsub became clearly frustrated. Gathering himself, he issued several racial slurs aimed at offending people of African-American descent. Because of corporate policy, we will also not be repeating those comments made by the unsub.
Following the slur, one of the two gentlemen responded back to the unsub: “We aren’t black either.”
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to pause for a moment. These racially motivated slurs are extremely disturbing to us here at ICBM and deplorable in the highest manner. These details are as difficult for me to discuss as I am sure they are for you to hear. It underscores another clear violation of our inclusivity-based diversity policy. We are especially proud of our inclusion policy which identifies people of color and celebrates those characteristics and differences as part of that which make us all the same. We are all unique snow flakes in a beautiful blizzard quenching a dry palate with a refreshing dusting of diversity. I didn’t mean snowflakes as in white ones. Normal ones should be white but they could be brown or black. And, you shouldn’t be scared if black snowflakes fall, they are the same as the white ones. Just as cool and tasty. Not that they fall for your pleasure. They just fall sometimes. Or, they fall just because they want to – I guess. What I really mean is, umm, – okay, I know they aren’t pushed or forced to the ground and held there for 8 minutes and 46 seconds, or anything. That would be wrong. Criminally wrong. And, they are exactly the same but still kind of different. And equal. Yes, of course, equal. Separate but equal. No, sorry, I mean, different but equal. Totally equal. In a lot of ways. Anyway. Let’s just move on.
Any violation or intolerance of this policy or refusing to celebrate these differences will never be tolerated here at the International College of Businessery and Management. Let me reiterate that tolerance of intolerance will never be tolerated. We consider the celebration of diversity an essential human right and a core value here at ICBM. Let me reiterate that tolerance of intolerance will never be tolerated.
Upon further investigation, the two gentlemen receiving the racial slurs in the fitness center did not identify as a member of any particular ethnic group. Upon gathering their statements it was revealed their dark skin color was due to their recent participation in ICBM’s 7 day project management survival retreat boot camp along the outskirts of the beautiful Sonoran desert overlooking the greater Tucson annual swap meet.
At approximately 10:00 AM, the unsub discretely left the facility while managing to avoid being detected by our security cameras.
At this point, we do not have any further official comments on this matter. As you have read in the headlines, after leaving the ICBM facility, the unsub entered a costume store, stole a gorilla suit and entered the Zoo on Southern boulevard sometime later that morning. He proceeded to release several specimens from the primate exhibit and his whereabouts are currently, as you all know, unknown. From here, bits and pieces of this story’s continuation can be read in the newspaper, so I will not be repeating the dark and disturbing details.
Talking with officials from the Bronx Zoo, we share their frustration with the unsub’s breaking into locked animal cages and releasing live animals intended for captivity. This is a violation of the Zoo’s trespass policy and will not be tolerated.
That is all for today.
Thank you.