Distilled down to its glorious pudding-skin equivalent, a manager’s singular job is to focus his employees on the task at hand. Although illegal now, adderall and methamphetamine were commonly used to help pull an employee’s attention out of the daydreaming darkness and into the light with dilated pupils. Olde time managers often refer to these as “the good ole days” – as well they should.
During those halcyon days, production numbers were at their peak and employment was full. The machine that is Corporate America has never churned out anything so impressive since. And, it is ONLY because of these types of impressive, over-the-top numbers that could we justify the excessively high number of workplace deaths and “wrist caught in the gears” type of twisted body-part disfigurements. In all honesty, that’s what is most upsetting about today’s workforce accidents – there isn’t the productivity and job satisfaction to back even today’s relatively low disfigurement numbers. Alas, that is another post for another day.
As Zig Zigler famously said “an unfocused or even distracted employee is really an attitude problem waiting to spread through the ranks like nether-warts through a cathouse.” Truer words were never spoken.
Without pharmacological aid, the challenge of focusing employees is much larger and only equaled by the need for managers to rise up and meet this challenge. If you are envisioning Jesus pulling the disciples up from the depths of an otherwise happy life to now be god-fearful for the wrath coming from an invisible almighty father figure in the clouds – you are on the right track. But how does a barely mortal manager such as yourself accomplish this task?
The answer is contained in a single word- “hopethetical”.
While you may not have heard it before, it’s meaning is all too real for both managers and employees. Hopethetical is literally the figurative bridge closing the gap and ferrying lost daydreamers to the promised land of corporate profits.
Hopethetical. Just stare at it for a moment and let it draw you in like a moth to the flame.
How can a single word do all that? Good question? No. Great question! The answer is through your continued use of this word through the mantra-nization of the word “hopethetical”.
Founder of alcoholics anonymous, Dr. Bob Smith famously said:
“hitting rock bottom isn’t enough to cure people. It is only when people who have reached the bottom start digging – do they realize the power of true hope and salvation”
Why is this important? Because, as managers, extracting productivity from your employees is no easy task. It requires managerial determination and fortitude to see the task to completion. It isn’t enough to simply shove our best employees into a deep, dark hole of despair. We must also give them a shovel and demand they dig.
Introduce the word slowly at first. Once a week. Maybe twice. Deliver the word with conviction. Say it early, say it often. Hopethetical. Hopethetical. Hopethetical.
As you get more comfortable with it, use it more and more often. Let it be a noun, verb, adverb and adjective. Use it as both a compliment, and admonition, possibly at the same time. It is a magic word worthy of all of these.
Important: do NOT give ‘hopethetical’ clear meaning or definition. Employees must find that within themselves. They must find their inner useless, worthless chipper-Jimmy reflection of their inner self. They need to find him and metaphorically beat that inner meatbag into the better version and vision of them you have created in your mind.
Only ever describe hopethetical’s shadow. Detail for them how undesired the undesirables really are for all of us. Use the proverbial shadow to develop a managerial toolkit that helps guide employees with the following:
- Instruct workers that it’s okay to shame themselves and coworkers for anything other than total productivity
- Adopt a don’t ask, don’t tell policy for employees who need a little “bump over the hump”
- Tell them your success is their success.
- Remind them we are all collective and reflective shadows of each other pulling together through an endless darkness while the darkness itself is indistinguishable from the self which is merely an inverse reflection of the negative.
- Don’t be afraid to layout doom and gloom scenarios. Go deep. Go dark. Go there early. Go there often. The faster the darkness envelops us, the much brighter and glorious the unreachable light will be as employees grasp wildly for the life ring that is the hopethetical.
- In meetings, reiterate the company’s Employee Assistance Program is always available because even the most spirited employees teeter on the edge of an abyss of deep and crushing depression.
- Remind everyone that any employee morale, personal, or physical liabilities are examples of those who have not yet embraced the hopethetical.
Now you have it. A new tool for your toolbox and few tools have the power of the ‘hopethetical’. As always, be mindful of HR mandated corporate suicide quotas.
Used correctly and conscientiously, it can be both the hammer and nail.
The parable and the martyr.
The monkey and the zap-stick.
The slap and the tickle.
March on – with the shadow of the hopethetical always behind you.