Unless you’re a manager that’s been living under a rock for the last year you must have read the headlines about Quiet-Quitting. In a nutshell, Quiet-Quitting is a passive-aggressive attempt by employees to reduce their workload in response to a perceived slight by management.

If you pay attention to business media you would think QQ was an epidemic sweeping the nation. Just read these current stories:

• The Truth Behind Quiet Quitting
• What is Quiet-Quitting and Who is it for?
• Quiet Quitting, the New Normal

The important thing to realize is that while quiet-quitting is a passive-aggressive attempt by employees to do less, you as a manager have many tools available to keep them doing more. Never forget a passive-aggressive offense is the best attack for a passive-aggressive defense, except when it isn’t. For instance:

Faux-Firing: nothing motivates employee productivity like a little fear. Firing employees is time-consuming, emotionally taxing and requires traversing a literal minefield of legal requirements. Faux-firing, on the other hand, is quick, easy and most of all, fun!

• Schedule a one-on-one with your worst quiet-quitter, who is also hopefully an office gossip, and let them know that IF a staff reduction was to happen, God forbid, you wouldn’t want them to be part of it. Management will be looking to retain those individuals who step up and achieve more than what is asked. Remember to always emphasize “IF”; weasel words are a manager’s best friend in any conversation.
• Have employees cross-train one another. Remember to frame this as a way to build team resilience: “What should happen if you win the lottery, or get hit by a bus, or IF there were layoffs.”
• Use only a few specifics on performance reviews, instead filling them with vague criticisms, for instance, “your performance has been good, however, looking at the trajectory of your career over time, we would like you to follow a more accelerated path towards your eventual future with the company. Unfortunately, promotions force us to compare your trajectory not to peers, but those above you. We simply need you to reach higher.”

Pretend-Promoting: The single greatest asset millennial generation brings to the corporate world is an unhealthy reverence for job titles. The usual method of dangling a carrot in front of an employee, all the while circling around them with the stick is no longer enough. For instance, examine the usual methods:

• Tell your employee that upper management has a policy of only promoting when there are available positions and “right now we only have a few promotion slots available. Time to put your nose to the grindstone if you want to get you noticed for the next slot.”
• “You are right there on the cusp of being promoted – right on the cusp. I’m looking out for you and with just a little more work you can be where you need to be.”
• “You are doing next-level work – we just don’t have a next-level slot ready for you. But keep up the effort, I’d hate to see you lose that next opportunity.”
• “We have a no-risk promotion policy and never promote people who aren’t ready. Nobody wants to see you fail. We need to prove you can do next-level work first, then we’ll promote you, so step it up just a little bit.”

Here at ICBM, we don’t necessarily encourage these passive-aggressive strategies but acknowledge their accepted and widespread usage by managers everywhere.

Instead, we suggest combining the best of Faux-Firing and Pretend-Promotion to create Faux-Promotion! Understanding promotions need only include a new job title and a greater workload, and nothing else! What’s the difference between a Data Analyst and a Sr. Data Analyst? We’ll give you a hint, it starts with “S” and ends with “r”. Here’s the modern way to Faux-Promote:

• Old: “We don’t have any promotion slots available.”
• New: “Congratulations to our new Senior Business Analyst! Raises take effect after the next review cycle, but we thought you earned the promotion now.”
• Old: “You’re right on the cusp of the promotion.”
• New: “You were right on the cusp of this promotion, but we decided it was time you be the new Director of Business Analysis. Raises take effect after the next review cycle, but we thought you earned the promotion now.”
• Old: “We have a no risk policy of promotions.”
• New: “We generally have a no risk policy of promotions, but we felt that you were worth the risk and just know you’ll put in the extra hours now that we’ve made you our new Senior Director of Business Analysis. Raises take effect after the next review cycle, but we thought you earned the promotion now.”

Notice any similarities? That’s right; you handed out a new title and the increased workload that carries, while not incurring any costs other than possibly printing new business cards. It’s a win-win. Your employee gets a “promotion” feels “recognized”, “appreciated” and “valued” and you get great productivity for zero added dollars.

Be on the constant lookout for ways your employees might be quiet-quitting. For instance:

• The sudden onset of strange and unpleasant sounding medical ailments. Always assume they are real to avoid any unnecessary legal or HR trouble. Instead, support your employee by becoming an expert in COVID induced brain fog, terminal earwax buildup or even Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Insist they seek professional help and ask to see Doctor’s notes so you can justify any time off to HR. Always be sure to remind your employees that you’re here to help them make it to the next level regardless of any medical condition and are happy to provide adaptive equipment, extra absorbent chair covers, or a WiFi extender that works great in the stall furthest from the door.
• Are your employees inexplicably happy? Roll with it. Take that upside-down frown and punch it up another notch. If they’re so happy to be at work then certainly they wouldn’t mind leading the group in the company song. Don’t have a company song? Next task, have them write it!
• If one of your employees should take it to the next level and insist on over-documenting everything you just found your new meeting minute taker! Be sure to schedule extra meetings!

Reiterating: with this growing trend, the important thing to realize is that while quiet-quitting is a passive-aggressive attempt by employees to do less, you as a manager have many tools available to help these employees become more.

Become more than they ever thought they could be.

Become more than they were yesterday.

Become more than a scared quivering shell of an employee cowering under a desk without the fortitude to quit out loud and for real.

It is time for you to become the manager who silences his employees’ quiet-quitting once and for all. With tools such as faux-firing and pretend-promoting and faux-promotions you as a manager now have the ability to pull these sad-sacks out from the dark shadows of corporate mediocrity and into the light of glorious productivity.

Game on!