Contrary to what you might expect, here at ICBM, we are actually fans of Quiet-Quitting.

This relatively new phenomenon is causing quite a stir in the corporate world. Once the dust settles, it will become evident that Quiet-Quitting is the inevitable response to several passive-aggressive practices which have been in use by managers for years. In truth, Quiet-Quitting has been a long-overdue employee judo throw response to the passive-aggressive practices which management has been using for years.

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So what is Quiet-Quitting and why should we care?

Quiet-Quitting is defined as the passive-aggressive act of an employee reducing or slowing productivity or engagement on the job. It is a tactic performed most commonly by employees in response to a real or perceived managerial slight or lack of acknowledgment and reward. Some also perform QQ in order to hide or mask laziness, illness, or addiction. Sometimes all three.

All of these passive-aggressive practices (Quiet-Quitting by employees and two often used by management…hang on, we’ll get to those shortly) have evolved by necessity. In many ways today a manager’s hands are tied by laws and regulations and these strategies are used to cleverly skirt the numerous legal hurdles.

What are these other passive-aggressive strategies?

These initial or foundational passive-aggressive strategies were created by creative managers and leaders needing a new way to control employees. These are:

1. “Faux-firing” – the passive-aggressive practice of telling employees they are basically on a path to being fired…without ever saying “you’re fired.” Here are some common faux-firing examples:

• Cross-training other employees to do your job. Why else would they do this unless they wanted you OUT?
• Frequent use of managerial sayings like “If you take too much vacation, you might force us to realize your job isn’t needed.” A clever manager will throw in a giggle or two just in case, that way they can tell HR “It was all a big joke, we were all giggling – at least I remember giggling.”
• Being vague with an employee’s performance review by offering criticisms such as – “your performance has been good, however, looking at the trajectory of your performance over time, we need you on a more accelerated path towards your eventual future with the company. Unfortunately, promotions force us to compare your trajectory not to peers, but to those above you. We simply need you to reach higher.” There isn’t much you can do about this other than try to keep your head above water, until Quiet-Quitting came along tossing you a life preserver.

2.“Pretend-Promoting” – this is another long-standing managerial passive-aggressive douche-bag move to put employees in their place. Pretend-promoting involves getting employees to work harder or longer for the same pay, dangling a pretend promotional carrot just barely out of reach…all the while moving the Stick – ever closer to their backside.

Here are some examples:

• Managers refusing to promote because “right now we only have a few promotion slots” which are dictated by corporate mandate.
• “You are right there on the cusp of being promoted – right on the cusp.”
• “You have been doing next-level work – unfortunately we just don’t have a next-level slot ready for you.”
• “We have a no-risk promotion policy because we hate to see anyone fail, so we never promote people who aren’t ready. We need you to prove yourself by doing next-level work first, then we’ll promote you.”

Here at ICBM, we don’t necessarily encourage these passive-aggressive strategies but acknowledge their accepted and widespread usage by managers everywhere. If you have a manager Faux-Firing all over you or Pretend-Promoting, then Quiet-Quitting may be your only option.

For some, Quiet-Quitting is a fairly new concept and as such, we suggest these Basic Training guidelines for new Quiet-Quitters:

• When choosing your level of QQing, never appear to be the worst employee or the least productive. Aim for appearing to perform slightly better than the group’s designated slacker. Can’t find a slacker? Then it is time to hire one!
• Always remember to minimize ‘being productive’ while maximizing ‘looking productive’ – there is an art to this science so be prepared to experiment.
• Slowing down productivity involves moderating both your time and effort. Remember, this stick needs to have 2 sharp ends – you’ll need to whittle away at both.
• A reminder for the newbies: Quiet-Quitting is NOT about playing games on the job or screwing off…we’ll save that for another post. It is about stretching your efforts to maximize your exposure, income, and longevity – much like stretching a twin-fitted sheet across a king-size mattress. It must be done with skill, patience, and caution. Aggressively tugging at the same corner over and over will rip the sheet exposing the badly stained mattress beneath and marking the effort as a complete failure.

OK. Have you mastered the basics? Good.

In addition to the Quiet-Quitting techniques mentioned above, you may need to go next level and incorporate some Quiet-Quitting pro tips from those blazing a path on the front lines of this increasingly popular strategy.

Here are four ways you can take your Quiet-Quitting from Average-Joe to Actual-Pro.

1) Spend extra time in the bathroom. It seems like a childish trick – because it is. But so what? It works! If cornered, admit to having a “touch of the Irritable Bowel Syndrome from time to time.” If your boss even hints at doubting you, just send him links to any IBS patient’s detailed symptom blog – one with audio is usually best.

What is the best time for IBS to kick in? Whenever your manager is assigning you a task. The exact moment – to be precise. Before he finishes delegating, grab your lower abdomen, scrunch your face and repeat these words “I am so UGH sorry. I didn’t URGHH completely hear that. I have something down-there about to OHHHHH release.” Spend the next 15 minutes in the stall furthest from the door.

For those creative types, IBS is only an example. Feel free to ad lib here. Diabetes, shingles, tinnitus, and congenital mind warts are all vague enough and will all work. For the adventurous expert, go ahead and try taking your restless legs out for a stretch. Remember – managers are terrified of knowing anything medical. All managers have been trained to understand the moment you discuss anything medical with your boss, the foundation of an eventual discrimination lawsuit has been laid.

2) Be Positive! – This one seems to be out of place but it isn’t. Remember, you don’t want to get fired, you just want to ride a metaphoric-wave-of-mediocrity across the sea of continually arriving paychecks corporate America is more than willing to supply. Always seem slightly upbeat and I daresay in a ‘chipper’ mood…except for those unexpected moments when the (wink, wink) IBS kicks in!

3) Become a status-list Sensei-Master. OK – this one will take some actual work but is worth the effort and will pay bigger and bigger dividends every day. Don’t let this added task stress you into an actual full-blown IBS flare-up! This pro-tip involves tracking everything you do, see, witness, or dream up into a single spreadsheet. Start thinking about multiple tabs, colored projects, and stats…lots of stats. What will go into this status spreadsheet? In a word – everything.

You will include: meeting notes, to do lists, conversations with your boss, brainstorming sessions, career goals, thoughts, plans, and even actual accomplishments. Basically – everything you see, did, will do, will see, should do, expect to see, thought-you-saw, and might have done if only, will go into this spreadsheet. And, every time your boss looks, you are in this spreadsheet making changes, additions, and updates…so you ALWAYS LOOK BUSY while doing almost nothing!

With the content clear – you need to understand the ratio. For every minute doing real work, you must spend at least 1.5 minutes documenting your efforts in this Master spreadsheet. Think of the spreadsheet as an extension of the spontaneous observations and random ideas which bubble up to the conscience part of your brain. At first, this will be difficult but with practice, you’ll look soon like the busiest person in the office. Print out a copy and carry it everywhere in the biggest three-ring binder you can find.

4) Punish managers for asking for your contribution. Every time your boss asks you to tackle a demanding project, deflect the demands onto them. Start by reiterating a close (and this is important!!!) but slightly wrong or imprecise version of the project specifics over email! Get a few things intentionally incorrect as you document the tasks involved – while asking for their clarification and input via email. In-person conversations will smother this plan like a buzz-kill blanket – so this is always a good time for an IBS flareup -or- even better, this can be the perfect opportunity for the high-pitched pig-like squeal of isolateral tinnitus to force all effective communication to wallow in the mud!

Essentially, you are trying to concoct a verbosity and confusion cocktail and pour that honey-covered turd-ball gently down your boss’ throat, with him asking for more. Stir in equal parts enthusiasm and confusion to help oil-up this mixture for a smooth transition to its ultimate destination. Remember, you are hungry for details and nothing he will supply can satisfy your ravenous appetite.

For every response offered, counter with a slightly more tangential set of questions until you are boiling the ocean. Getting to the exact scope and intent of their request is not your goal. Your goal is to ensnare and envelop you and your boss deep within a pit of project quicksand where the more you wriggle for clarity, the deeper down you are pulled. If pressured or criticized for your layered questions, simply explain “I see how important this project is to you, and I want to get it right. I understand doing next-level work is required for promotion. If there is a better path to a promotion, please document that for me as well.”

Once you have perfected the skill of ensnaring a project in your tangled web of Quiet-Quitting questions it’s time to take it to the next level: volunteer for extra work. You know you’ve reached nirvana when management refuses.

Remember Quiet-Quitting is NOT about slacking, wasting time, or not doing your job. In fact QQ is precisely about doing your job, but ONLY your job, all the while collecting that weekly participation ribbon (a paycheck). The goal is to deflect every attempt of management to force you above and beyond like Jackie Chan on speed. Bob and weave, dodge and duck, block and befuddle but never return blows. Quiet-Quitting is the new corporate aikido, using the strength of your opponent against them, and you are now a black belt.

Game on!